February 2008
56 posts
I am glad I have never been "Baby Jessica'd"
1. Baby Jessica
1. a reference to “Baby Jessica” Mcclure, the Texas infant who fell down a well in Midland, Texas on October 14, 1987. This created a national shitstorm of attention as rescuers worked for 58 hours to release her.
2. A sexual act that involves placing one’s testicles into another’s asshole, to the point where they get stuck. Thus the oft used saying...
“one time i was in springfield and i shit you not, witnessed someone set a car on...”
– From Urban Dictionary. I stumbled upon this while googling stuff for the Baby J play.
January 2008
69 posts
My new obsession →
The girl in this band, Hanna Cheek, is so hot. Everyone I knew in college was IN LOVE with her … and still is. I was never in love with her, but she is undeniably sexy. Her Facebook page made me horny.
ice
Last night I told my bartender, Georgie, to put ice down my dress. I saw him putting some ice down this other woman’s shirt and I got jealous. I wanted ice too. Georgie, ever a fan of anything having to do with my breasts, dumped a whole scoopful down there, so I picked out each cube one by one and threw them at him.
Then I left my panties in the ladies’ room trashcan and went home...
“I explain to myself that I believe that people cared so much because they would...”
– Jessica McClure Morales, from an interview with Matt Lauer.
Via Baby Jessica: Better than the Well
XX days is now 1 day!
Wife moves back tomorrow!
Wife is moving to Brooklyn! Who goes to Brooklyn? Me! I go to Brooklyn! I love Brooklyn! Brooklyn has all of the following awesome things:
1) Wife
2) Cheesecake
3) Wife
4) Lots of my friends
5) Wife
Although I will take the 2,3,4 or 5 train to Wife’s new apartment, I will still toss rose petals in the air every time I make my love parade to her home. Then...
At least I crack myself up. →
Check out my website!
“Fear shall lead you to the place you most need to be. When you arrive, dive into...”
– Hungry March Band.
Adrienne Dawes is an angel sent from heaven who... →
See her play. Get familiar with her work. Do it now. It will change your life.
Move over Eloise, von Hottie's in town.
I got so excited when I read the Eloise movie casting notice. Then I realized they were looking for a child actress. Details, details. I’ve edited the breakdown below to fit my life. Hello, I am Eloise! Oh wait, I never read the books, but whatever … [ELOISE LAURA] (Caucasian). Twenty-Seven to Twenty-eightish, going on thirty awesome. Is just the way she is and always has...
4am
There really is a time suck vacuum located in New York City. I will think I am leaving somewhere at 2 am, maybe 2:30 am, and invariably I will arrive home at approximately 4am - when I was only 10 minutes away! On most occasions, this time suck is called The Dove and Sam’s Falafel, but other times I really did leave the bar at 2 am and yet somehow I ended up back home at 4 am. I don’t...
next to famous
Charles wrote to me on Facebook: Not sure if you know, dahling, but you are in the Jan 18th issue of Next Magazine page 81 at Lucas’ opening. As usual looking fabu! Now, of course the only reason I’m on the page is because I made sure to hold a Next magazine when they took the photo. That’s right, people, you have to be smart if you want to be famous! Today, Next Magazine,...
“Of course you live in NY. You will also die in NY. They will have to drag your...”
– Wife. I think she was talking about me.
what if . . .
I went to Austin for Adrienne’s play, and then I drove to Midland, Texas, where Baby Jessica fell down the well. Road trip, anyone?
scrubbing
I just got down on hands and knees and scrubbed my hallway, which is, oh, longer than my entire apartment. I was feeling like I needed to accomplish something, since nothing I did today actually led anywhere for me. My play is a big pile of nothing, and nothing on my to do list is actually done. So I cleaned the hallway, and then I cleaned the tub. And then I read this: ASTROCENTER: Your...
Damn, my grandma so famous she got a whole park →
I had totally forgotten about my great-grandma’s park in Oregon. Tutu used to live here, and when she died it became a park. It’s where my Nani Sugar grew up, and one summer my mom took me, Kam and Mele to visit. I only remember the old gas pump and that I saw my first snake.
Note to the boys out there
If you want to propose to me on Valentine’s Day, you will wear this t-shirt and stand next to this painting. And you will have purchased both of these things from lucasstoffel.com. Oh yeah, don’t forget the ring. No diamond solitaires, please.
small town America
I’m going to pull a Julia Allison here and put a query on my blog. (Don’t read Julia’s blog. It is addictive. It will suck all your time and you will start coveting pink furniture. Don’t do it. Just don’t.) My question is this: What does small town America mean to you? I’m looking for images, movies, articles, poems, quotes, books, songs … anything. Send...
1 tag
“Don’t be smackin’ talk.”
– Mayumi
Live Hard or Die Trying.
“My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But...”
– Edna St. Vincent Millay. People keep quoting lovely things to express how they feel about Heath. I’m reposting them here as a tribute to all my gorgeous friends who are (thankfully) still with us, and who continue to burn the candle at both ends.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to...”
– Jack Kerouac.
The Score: Queers: 10,000,000; Heteros:...
A: Have a cookie! My girlfriend and I got engaged!
Coworker (taking a cookie): A, that is wrong. Marriage is between a man and a woman.
A: If that's the way you feel, then put down my lesbian cookie and get out of my office.
“I went to see Laura’s play “Giants” in April. The after-party...”
– Laura K.’s photo caption on our high school’s 10th year reunion social networking site. An apt summary of my party, my play … and my life.
typewriter
I want a typewriter, preferably blue or pink. I will write beautiful love poems and/or grocery lists on it. Where do I get one?
My true-love rockstar boyfriend is leaving... →
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Everything is ruined! ooooo, unless he starts a solo career. HOT!
Hmmm. I am the same way with my fake husband as I...
I just got back from a weekend with my fake husband.* When he emailed me that he missed me, I sent him a list of things he could do to simulate me. Then I realized that this list has many of the same things Wife has said she loves about me (in some blog love-post somewhere, or maybe it was a love email). The point being that I am 1) crazy 2) awesome 3) certain being fake married to so many people...
1 tag
"That's the job of the playwright, I firmly... →
- Neil Labute in an article in the Guardian. He also called American playwrights “pussies.” I took more offense at being called a party pooper. Hello, I am the LIFE of the party. And, p.s., I do try to write about the big things in big ways. And so do Adrienne Dawes and Kate Scelsa and lots of other ladies. Dammit.
Baby Jessica: Better Than The Well →
I made this to help me think. Because I need immediate gratification, and also because I only like to do things if I think the whole world is paying attention. In other words, I always play to the audience in my mind. Onlookers be damned! (But keep on looking, please.)
“I like to wash my diamonds in champagne.”
– Not really, but that’s what I tell myself when I spill bubbly on my hands.
Send me your most inspirational, beautiful,...
From magazines or iconic screen images or ads … whatever! — juliaallison I sent JA this von Hottie picture for inspiration. Obvs, I think it’s an exceptionally glamourous photo. She replied: “Ha!!!!!!!!” It is a funny picture, but maybe I should have let her know that *I* am von Hottie. p.s. If you disagree with her, don’t send hate mail to her. That girl gets...
“RAPE THE HIPPO.
For me 2008 is going to be all about raping the hippo....”
– Brandy’s New Year’s Resolution. We should all take a tip from her. 