I was going to write a whole legend about my Halloween costume, “Tits Magee, the Love Pirate, and her Smothering Bosom of Death,” but I’m too busy buying candy & tracking down temporary tattoos. Just know that Tits Magee has had 13 husbands, who all met untimely deaths. She hopes her next 13 husbands have better luck.
Rumors are flying about this. Be careful! giant-girls: Hi Friends, I don’t usually feed into the culture of fear, but this is pretty important. I work at a school in my community called El Puente and we have been advised that the Bloods are having their initiation today. They actually have it every year at this time. However, the threat is very real today and they have said that they will...
Tits Magee & the Smothering Bosom of Death →
If you don’t have anything to do tonight, you’re welcome to stop by my Halloween party.
Ok, we’re all going to have a virtual dance...
Life is this orchard and we walk beneath it and apples and grapes and cherries...– Little Nun in The House of Blue Leaves by John Guare
Be in a zombie movie!
Be in my friend’s zombie movie! I did this a few weeks ago and it was really fun, even if I didn’t get to be a zombie or get eaten by a zombie. COME BE IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE! Rising Up is a ‘documentary’ about the zombie civil rights movement featuring Kevin Allison (MTV’s The State). We need 1960s zombie supporters for a series of press conferences and rallies. We...
Well, there's the book proposal
Friend: What are you going to write the book about?
Me: I dunno. A memoir? How to be a self-made pinup?
Friend: I see.
step 1 - be independently wealthy
step 2 - convince people around you that they should want to be like you
step 3 - keep going with that until people call bullshit
Me: Yup, that's pretty much my M.O. Thank you, no one has ever summarized it quite so succinctly.
After polishing off the rest of the pink champagne from my “post-shoot reception” with Luke and Mo-dawg, I came home BEFORE MIDNIGHT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!!! I was looking through Facebook and realized that most of my friends this year either 1) got married 2) got a dog 3) had a baby 4) bought a home and/or did one or more of these things. Then I watched Elizabeth: The Golden Age. As I...
The play I never wanted to write
Inspired by Adrienne and National Playwriting Month, I made a list of what (or what would be included in) the play I never wanted to write. People in the coffee shop were openly reading over my shoulder and laughing as I wrote this. Also related, I think I have anger issues.: PLAYS I NEVER WANT TO WRITE: • Coked out east village waitress/not-really-actress and her emotionally damaged...
Steinberg Distinguished Playwright Award
This week, Tony Kushner (Angels in America) was awarded the first ever Steinberg Distinguished Playwright Award (a grant of $200,000). There was all sorts of controversy and gossip surrounding the award and the granting organization, the Steinberg Charitable Trust. Drama aside (ha!), I like that Kushner kept it real in his acceptance speech to the Times. “Here’s how I spent yesterday: staring...
What song do you hate?
I hate “Love is a river.” Leave your answer in the comments. It’s part of my research for NaPlWriMo. Xo
well, duh, famous people are targets
Me: I'm pretty sure they targeted me because here I am, bopping along, chatting about breast cancer fundraisers, in my platinum blonde hair and gold jacket.
Friend: You got mugged because you stand out.
Me: Yeah, I got mugged because I'm so *famous*.
Over a hundred people know who you are. You can’t be ironic anymore....– Kevin, on how I can’t use the word “bitches” anymore at the end of a sentence.
why i love my dad, reason #8billion
my dad’s response to my “i was robbed” email: I am glad you are okay. We won’t freak out. The iPhone can be replaced. Good luck on your new boyfriends.* We weaned calves today. Maybe you need a new pair of boots with spurs for protection. Love, Dad *i had told him the good news was that i had made 2 new detective boyfriends at the precinct.
I was robbed today. They snatched my iPhone.
As I was walking in SoHo, talking on my iPhone, a guy came up and snatched my iPhone from my hand and took off. I yelled and there were 30 people around but no one did anything. Awesome. I spent the rest of the day in cop cars and at the precinct looking at pictures of suspects. Anyway, anyone got an extra iPhone?
"We're going to run away forever. Again."
I’m in the middle of doing a developmental workshop for a whacked out version of Babes in Toyland by my friend Michael. I have learned the following interesting things in the past 48 hours: 1) Michael went to a sort-of professional children’s dinner theater school for 6-8th grade. As in, you home-schooled yourself in the morning, and learned dinner theater in the afternoon. And if...
3 buck chuck wisdom
K: Everyone knows. Everyone reads your blog. You're so famous.
Me: Everyone does not know. Only 15 people read my blog.
K: That can't be true. I feel like you're so famous.
Me: Well, I'm exceedingly famous to 15 people.
K: Why aren't you drunk?
Me: Because I stopped drinking.
K: Why did you stop drinking?
Me: I didn't have anymore wine.
K: I'm gonna stop talking to you. You're talking crazy.
K: Why won't [redacted] come get me? Buy the cow. Or maybe it's free.
Me: What are you talking about? Like why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
K: (drinks) Yes. I'm on the [famous author's] bargain table.
Me: (Cracking up)
K: You get a discount. I'm already bruised.
(on her immediate plans)
K: I'm just going to drink this 2nd bottle. And then open another. . . Everybody sucks except for like 10 people. And I'm not going to name them. I know who they are.
K: My friend told me I should write a book on etiquette. I am allergic to poor table manners. If I get invited to a party, even if I don't like the people, I'll go. Barring health issues. I guess I could make myself throw up. That hasn't happened since elementary school. And then you bring a gift. And then you go home.
(on table manners)
K: [Redacted] did not grow up with his Puerto Rican family. Because he does not know how to behave at a table. Didn't his white mother teach him anything? I bet Barack Obama's white mother taught him table manners. I don't notice bad table manners if they pay for dinner, though.
It gets better. Now Britney is going to start doing video blogs.
OMG! Twitter is so famous, Britney Spears got one... →
Oh wow! I am so in love with Britney Spears’ twitter. It makes me want to start to have the von Hottie twitter authored by “the von Hottie team.”
How DO you convince someone to vote?
I should have clarified my purpose in posting the conversation with my friend who refuses to vote. What I wanted to investigate is how do you convince someone to vote? Obviously my reason of “you just have to” was not compelling enough for her. The only helpful thing I’ve found on the internet was this article, and while it made a case for individual voter impact, it still fell...
Before the crisis, you have a choice to participate in your life or not.– - Me, on voting and unwanted pregnancies. Via my wife, quoting me on her blog. I want to amend my statement to: “Before the crisis, you have a choice, and a chance, to particpate in your life or not.”
My friend is getting her PhD and she won't vote....
X: is it weird that i am offended that people assume to know who i am voting for?
me: um no
unless you're voting for mccain
then i'm offended
are you voting for mccain
i mean, i'll still be your friend if you are
X: i am not voting at all
X: because voting is stupid
me: but you have to vote
X: no i don't
me: because the world is falling apart
and otherwise you have no right to complain
don't disenfranchise yourself!
X: well, that's not true
1) world is not falling apart
2) whoever is elected will not change the fact that it has
3) bush (as dumb as he is) did not CAUSE the world to fall apart
4) mccain backlash is just anger at the incumbent party
5) there has been no evidence that either candidate would be particularly better (or worse) at dealing with the crisis
6) it's easy to be a populist right now
7) (and probably the most reasonable reason to not vote) ... your vote only counts if you are pivotal
the probability that you are pivotal is so small
that the benefit of voting is vastly outweighed by the cost
especially now that it looks there will be nothing close about this election
you are even LESS likely to matter
and that's the end of my ranting about why voting is irrational
me: ok, PHD
you still have to vote
who cares if it doesn't count
me: you still have to do it
X: i'm not registered
me: YOU HAVE TO VOTE
X: NOT REGISTERED
I can't believe you
me: I'm this like freaky deaky subversive artist and I still vote
X: you think that your vote counts
I know it doesn't
X: and why is it that if you don't vote, that you have no right to complain
i can still think that someone's policies are stupid regardless of whether or not i voted for them
me: Because, the fact that you stand up for what you believe in is more important than whether or not you think your voice is actually heard
X: both candidates have said stupid things
me: And many small voices make a big one
X: or something
i did vote in the last election
where i really disliked one person
me: gay rights, QED
X: i sort of equally dislike the candidates this time around
me: Um, ok, you have to at least pretend that you voted for Obama
X: unfortunately, i would have to say that i would prefer good economic policies over gay rights
if i had to choose
ideally, i'd like both
me: Because at least he has a nicer voice to listen to for the next four years
X: and has a better VP is dies
palin does sound pretty stupid
X: i guess that in this election, i don't really care who wins
because i think that either would be bad in their own ways
and i can't decide who would be worse
me: And to answer your question, it's ok to be offended that someone assumes who you're voting for.
me: But I'm offended you're not voting. Hello, you have like, degrees and stuff. The world needs your vote.
X: the world doesn't
I think the degrees actually make me less inclined
No, I did vote last time
I thought there was a big difference in the candidates
this time ... they are both sort of tied in terms of badness
me: Um, why cause educated people are arogant? jk jk
X: No, it's true
I am less able to appeal to "the warm fuzzies"
And I think I'd have a different opinion if I really thought there was a bigger gap in the candidates
I guess I'm glad that overall, these are better options that we had the first time
me: Ok, but Joe 6 Pack is not allowed to cast his ineffectual vote if you won't cast your vote. Because all those little Joe 6 Packs might vote against my interests, and at least you are sometimes on my side. Ha!
X: i would take either of these guys over bush or kerry
I would vote if it were to cancel someone else's vote
Like, if I thought someone was making a stupid choice, I'd go to cancel their choice
No, I do understand the argument that if EVERYONE felt the way that I did, democracies would fall apart
but then at some point, I'd feel like I was pivotal in some sense and actually think it was worth it to vote
me: People are making stupid choices everyday. You have to vote
X: it's a very tenuous arguement
me: You have to vote twice next time.
X: Ha ... don't have to
me: So this kind of thing has no effect on you:
X: is this the stupid commercial with all the celebrities?
X: that thing was DUMB
because it didn't actually make a real arguement
me: Ok, PHD. Here is why you have to vote
X: I mean... give me a REAL reason to actually care
me: Ok, I will.
me: 1) You're a woman
X: your husband is voting for willy nelson
me: He's Russian.
X: is this the abortion thing?
me: He can do what he wants. Commie.
You have to vote because you're a woman and woman used to not be able to vote.
X: oh, the i should feel privileged because i wouldn't have the right years ago
me: So you have to vote for all the dead ladies who could never vote.
X: mmm ...
that's appealing to the irrational
me: You're irrational
X: this is fun
i like making people try to come up with reasons
it's very interesting to me
to see how others justify voting
you havent' used "civic duty" yet
that's usually the first thing people say
me: I don't care about civic duty
Look, if this were high school
and you didn't vote
you would have to do work program
X: well, that's kind of like what you are appealing to, though
when you talk about all the dead ladies
me: It's the same with life
It's irrational not to vote
yes yes yes i know you have reasons
you still have to do it
it's good for you
X: I can show you that it's irrational to vote
me: like brushing your teeth
X: not working
me: I KNOW IT'S IRRATIONAL TO VOTE
me: I took AP US history tooo!
X: they teach that in AP US?
i don't remember that
me: Yeah, I was like "hold up! electoral colleges? Mr. Shutes, you mean our votes don't count?"
X: i sense a vein in your forehead starting to bulge
Mr. Shutes taught me two things
1) Air force does not work without ground power
2) Even if you vote doesn't count, you still have to exercise your right
Go ahead and show me your pie charts
But you have to vote
You just have to
And since you don't think voting is rational
and it's not
and there's no rational argument for it
(so you say)
X: I think it's one of those things where you just feel a certain way
and there is just no way to have a real debate about it
because everyone is just going to think whatever they think
like about God or about gays or about whatever
voting is in the same category, perhaps
me: Ok, maybe people do think about it like that
Here's why I vote:
Because I believe that if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else will.
And if the world falls apart, at least I can say that I put my two cents in to how I thought it should go.
And, since you don't vote
X: when the argument is "you just have to" it seems like the same realm as debates about god
I guess that I want to base any opinion on actual policies
me: I didn't say you have to vote about God, I just want to you vote about whether or not God exists
6: 34 PM What do you mean, Policies
X: i haven't heard much about any policies
What kind of policies?
X: actual things that people would implement
me: The candidates policies
X: i have tried listening to the debates
and it's all fancy handwaving
6: 35 PM nobody actually says anything about what they would do if elected
so, i have nothing to judge
me: Debates suck.
X: they are really worthless
me: Ok, this isn't a policy but it is pretty
X: not informative at all
these things are all lies
6: 36 PM maybe not flat out lies
but they are very inaccurate
both candidates misunderstand each other's policies and their own
there's a blog about it through the national tax administration
it's kind of entertaining
so.... the financial crisis was not really the fault of any president
and you would also argue that the fundamental causes of the financial downturn started long ago that's jsut a problem of the system overall where you have presidents with short term (4 yr) incentives, vs. the long term goals of the country
me: No, I wouldn't get into it a tall. I would call you and ask you to explain it to me
Ok, but you said that you thought that the whole voting process was irrational
X: any individual's decision to vote is irrational
X: once you start talking about masses of people, you could overturn that whole finding
me: But in economics, don't you deal with groups too?
X: esp now that michigan is no longer a swing state
but in terms of my individual decision ... the group dynamics aren't important. i am not voting in a block. i vote as an individual
me: And isn't the whole thing in economics about groups moving and affecting things
right but individuals make up groups
the point is that my decision is based on my own actions
i would have to analyze my situation differently if i were in a group
but i am not
let's just say that i am glad that there are people like you out there who care enough
me: But you are in a group
X: and in the end, you are the people who should actually count
i'm not in a group when it comes to my voting behavior
me: Yes you are
X: i'm not
me: YOU'RE IN THE GROUP THAT DOESN'T VOTE
X: ummm ...
you can vote doubly for me
or think of me as you're voting so you can pretend i'm with you in spirit
or you can buy josh's vote
me: Ok, but my group wants your group to play with us
X: that's up for sale (not really)
so the problem is that if you want to think about groups
you have to actually think that one person's behavior is going to tip the behavior of the group
6: 41 PM so in order for your point about me being in a "non-voting" group to be vaild, you need to also be able to say that my changing my behavior will, in and of itself, change the behavior of the others in my group
at least in terms of changing how to calculate the benefit of voting
in that case ... i agree that voting can be made rational
X: if i said that i would vote for willie nelson, is that better or worse
X: i'm not saying that there aren't situations where voting can be made rational
me: Vote for Willie Nelson
me: He makes good music
X: he seems like a peaceful dude
have you seen the polls lately, though
me: which ones
X: with one month to go, i don't think that mccain can make up much ground
i'm not sure
last i saw it was 80-20
so your vote is worth even LESS NOW!
X: my honest opinion is that they are near equal candidates
so even if i had to choose, i don't know how it would go
me: That's ok
You just have to pick something
You have to do it
Otherwise there are genocides and holocausts
X: that's not true
Yes it is
X: you goober
me: People decide not to care and then bad things happen
X: why don't you work on the campaign?
or, i guess that's kind of late now
why didn't you?
me: Um, I can hardly convince you to vote in general
X: i think that we need to get a new treasury secretary
and that would happen regardless of who was elected
me: You should write Obama. He'll write back. Tell him to stop being a pussy and publish his policy.
X: i am not the right population that you should consider though. i'm stubborn and it wouldnt' matter what you said
me: There's a booklet you can read on his website but it's probably not detailed enough for you.
but that requires reading
i want bullet poitns
but i think they are afraid to do that
makes it too accessible
me: Oh well, it's dumbed down for the mainstream
Anyhow, the reason people should vote for Obama, other than the fact that I think he's dreamy and I perceive him to be a thoughtful and humane candidate, is that his website is genius.
And indicative of what I perceive to be a genuine effort to moderate between the many diverse peoples of our nation.
Also, He's going to turn America into a Hawai'i private school and I hope I make prefect so I don't have to scrape plates at lunch.
me: Also, I rescind the vote I cast for you in high school. I can't believe I let you be student body president, AND YOU DON'T VOTE.
ew ew ew
Dear internet, Hi. I have a dead mouse in my house. I am willing to bribe someone with beer/food/money in exchange for coming over and getting rid of it for me. Please. Thanks. Love, Laura UPDATE: After spending all afternoon bribing various male friends, I finally found someone to take care of the dead mouse, and then my roommate decided she was (wo)man enough to take care of it. This...
The People You Love Are Always Famous →
I caught the background vocalists from GIANTS goofing off in the dressing room, doing an impromptu acapella version of “The People You Love Are Always Famous” - one of the pieces of music from the NYU production of GIANTS. “The people you love are always famous” is one of my favorite lines. Because it’s true. Not just because I wrote it. Click on the title of this...
St. Laura Feastday →
Holla! October 19 is the feast day of St. Laura. Party time!!!! p.s. I totes need a feast day. Stupid Mercury went into retrograde and then I got a mysterious staph infection on my leg from shooting my von Hottie calendar in Central Park. Then I had an allergic reaction to my antibiotics this weekend. I’m covered in super-attractive hives and goo. Not famous. Not at all.
That's Miss Hussein to you
I’ve been noticing on Facebook that a bunch of my friends have been adding Hussein as their middle name, in support of our president-boyfriend, Obama. I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and temporarily rename myself: Laura Hussein Ka’iulani von Holt. Which means my name now means Victory Handsome Royal One from Holt. SO FAMOUS. And just to be fair, I’m going to ask...
von Hottie's picture of the week on Zoomdoggle →
This one goes out to my wife. meaghano: The...
Nom de romance plume
Mayumi and I are working on our romance novel today. I suggested our romance pen names should be Foxy McSexypants and Lady McSexytime. She was all about it.
My wife thinks I'm funny
Me: What do pirates wish on?
Google's 'Mail Goggles' designed to stop the... →
Now if only my phone would tell me when I was too tanked to text, my blog would tell me I was too wasted to post, and Craigslist would say, “Woman, put your panties on!” via The Gay Agenda!
Requiem for Champagne Junior. She was a pretty...
After my mom died, my parents thought it would be nice for me to have a cat. (I remember thinking, I get a cat since I don’t have a mom? Whatever, I get a kitty!) My friend’s cat had a litter and I took home a beautiful, soft, butter-colored kitty. I named her Champagne Junior, after her mother. (Of course even my cat was named Champagne.) We loved each other. When she was old enough,...