I want a sugar daddy to buy me an iPod for my...
I really want a new iPod, but I want someone to buy it for me. My current iPod is second generation. It’s like listening to music on the old computers whose screen was only in black and green. We had an old computer like that. It lived in the closet and you could only use it to word process and play strip poker. My brother loooooooved that computer. My friends have boyfriends, girlfriends...
Today is the last day of my 27th year . . .
…and I am hungover. Thanks, Sara, Thanks, Sandy. Thanks, The Dove.
Fergie's Sex and the City Movie song →
I usually leave it to my wife to report on all things SATC, but I had to bring this to your attention. Fergie’s song on the movie soundtrack is terrible. I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing. If this is a harbinger of the movie to come, I might have to watch the whole thing like I watch horror movies - with my hands over my face, peeping through my fingers. The title of this...
I wear my heart on my fist Ain’t it good to be kissed by a real man...– From Ben Carroll’s Love U So. He is so dreamy when he sings. Even dreamier than when he wore pink spandex and fairy wings in the play I was in freshman year of college. At the time, I thought that was as sexy as it could get- a straight man in pink spandex! Wife and I went to Ben’s...
Your meat eating experience with the Rib eye was priced about right for a...– My daddy weighing in on the infamous rib-eye. If only my dad could explain every “piece of meat” that pissed me off…
how my ladyparts gave me heart disease
Wife asked that I blog the following story about my not-so-annual trip to the lady doctor, as I told it to her.: “Ok for reals: I was so stressed out having to go to the lady doctor, because I’m almost 10 years out from when my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer and that’s when they start tracking you, hoping to catch anything early. I’m always sooooo afraid of going to...
as it should be
Someone searched “godly love letter to my wife” on Google.com and it directed them to my blog. Amazing. I write so many godly love letters to my wife!
Introducing my friend, Roman Gabriel Rimer →
Dammit. Wife beat me to the blogging. The lovely Delia is no longer, but the new Roman Gabriel Rimer is even more awesome, and more importantly, so, so, so gleefully happy. So Roman, one question …Can I be “SPARTA!!!!!!!”?
I stand corrected. Thanks, wife. Again, sending... →
maybe we should go with something more along the...
Wife: Oooo there's a Crime Scene Bar & Lounge. Our party could be full of dead stuff.
Me: Isn't weird to have a death-themed birthday party?
Wife: Oh yeah.
Wife wants to know why I am mad about the rib-eye
Wife blogged about my infamous rib-eye. This is now becoming Rib-eye-gate 2008. 1) I don’t know why I was so angry. It was probably fueled by low blood sugar and several glasses of rose champagne. 2) Usually when a restaurant is only offering one cut of meat, it’s some sort of filet - velvety smooth, melts like butter on your tongue - especially when they’re charging $27 for...
Don't even get me started on the Rib-Eye
OMG! I was just about to start a long angry post on the rib-eye I ate tonight, and the AUDACITY of a restaurant to offer rib-eye (at $27 a pop - the last time I deigned to eat rib-eye was in Bumfuck, Texas and it was $7.95)- and how I spent the rest of the evening tonight complaining about the rib-eye - and then Mary Fucking Rambin goes on and on about the rib-eye at Primehouse, the restaurant my...
a woman's right to choose
Me: I can't decide which cocktail to have - would you recommend the Cocktail Q or the Filipino Spritzer?
Waitress: Hmmmm . . .
Me: Oh who am I kidding, we all know I'm going to have two. I'll take both.
Waitress: I like you already.
Me: When I die, I'm sending them to you.
Me: My biographers. You remember my life better than I do.
Julia Allison's blog is hacked! →
It happened to me twice! I tipped off Gawker before I told Julia. Then I realized that was wrong.
an open letter to my wife
Dear Wife, You are the loveliest creature on God’s (kind of decaying) green Earth. Let’s face it, I keep this blog because I believe the internet was invented just so I could dominate it and so you and I could use it to re-re-re-re-proclaim our love for one another. Here are some things I did last night that you can add to your list of reasons why you love me, which you probably...
Save Polaroid! →
The entire year I was 26, I took a Polaroid picture (almost) every time something fun or important happened to me. Polaroid is going to stop making instant film. Go to this link and sign the petition to save Polaroid. I love Polaroid! (via Love Puppy)
Gin is like titties. One is not enough and three is too many.– Adam from Nashville, TN, commenting on my dirty martini. Then he told me I was so pretty I should have a 100 babies.
It just gets better - Khaliah, vino bottle #2
Khaliah: Can we share a hotel room [at the wedding in Cape Cod]?
Me: Yes, but if we want to get laid, we'll just have to agree that it's going to be group sex.
Khaliah: Sex with who?
Me: I dunno. Cater waiters. Townies.
Khaliah: The cater-waiters better be hot then cause if I don't sleep with Iowa townies . . .
Khaliah: What makes the cod . . .o wait. . .cod . . .never mind.
Me: Yes dear? What makes the Cod Cape?
Khaliah: o cod...cod piece....penis.
Khaliah: I have a one track mind.
Me: why is it called a cod piece? what are you trying to ask?
Khaliah: no I was trying to make a joke about sex the cape...cod.
My [minimum wage job] won’t pay my rent… I’m gonna get an...– Khaliah, on why I need to get out of my cellphone contract and get an Iphone.
Friend: I think all these boys are depressed.
Me: [They should] Just make out with me. I am the answer.
It was an honor just being nominated. →
I didn’t win the Pulitzer, but I totally win at life.
This week's Time Out New York column →
juliaallison: The Great White Lay TIME OUT NEW YORK By Julia Allison ******************************************************* Why, why, why, why, why didn’t Julia take a little walk over to David Cote’s desk at Time Out and actually get some advice about theater that’s actually GOOD before advising a whole city on what musical would get them laid? Musical? Laid? WTF?! If...
the downside of being marginally famous . . .
is being totally hungover. all. the. time. I just can’t say no when two cute gay men wearing matching pink shirts want to buy me and them matching pink glasses of matching pink champagne and take off their shirts to show me their gigantic Scottish tattoos. Laura, just say no. To fun.
my schedule tomorrow
-Order champagne for opening of the Laura von Holt Champagne Lounge -Lunch with Mayumi & Luke in Brooklyn. -Come home to change for opening. -Set up for Opening party -!! Opening of the Laura von Holt Champagne Lounge!! -After party for opening of the Laura von Holt Champagne Lounge -Drop by birthday party of someone I kind of know at the Dove. Who’s Carrie Bradshaw now, NYT? Mua...
John Mayer makes out with Perez Hilton →
via PerezHilton.com This is only fueling my fire! Down big crush, down boy!
Pulitzers announced April 7 @ 3pm
Hahahahahahaha! According to the Pulitzer website, the prizewinners and finalists for the Pulitzer will be announced on April 7th, 2008 at 3pm. According to this article on Playbill.com, August: Osage County is a “slam-dunk” for winner. The Playbill.com article makes no mention of GIANTS by Laura von Holt. Um, hello, Playbill.com, get with it!
I always thought John Mayer looked like kind of a poser, but after reading his blog and seeing this picture in Us Weekly, I’m a little bit in love. But his headshot on his blog still says poser. I think even if he tried, John Mayer wouldn’t be able to not look like a poser. He’s all jaw and cheekbone, dark eyes, ruffled poet hair. I bet he has a nice laugh that takes you by...
new favorite coffeeshop →
I just tried out Mudspot in the East Village today for a writing date. New favorite. Awesome food, coffee, free wifi, and a winter-proof secret garden. I might just move in.
OMG Baughergate 2008 is going to bring down the...
baugher - Fact checking after the fact:
What do you wear . . .
when your hairdresser invites you to her coming out/christening party for her MTF gender transition at a fancy loft in Soho? It makes me want to cry every time I think how sweetly nervous he was to tell me about his transition, and how honored I felt that, even though he’d only been doing my hair for a year, he felt comfortable enough to include me as one of the first people he told. It...