Happy Dead Mom Day #17 →
I used to have an appropriate sense of humor, but then my mom DIED. (I really am laughing, guys. We all deal with things in our own way. Mele and I have chosen to remember our dead mom with a dark, twisted blog, and we kind of think our mom would approve, except she can’t, because she’s dead. You get it. See, you’re kind of cringe-laughing now, aren’t ya?)
my text message to the bartender at the red lion
Me: Are there a bunch of crewmen from a yacht at your bar? If so, I have their deckhand. Esp. looking for a bald Scottish captain.
me & the dickman
Richard: I'm a deck hand.
Me: A dick what?
Richard: A deck. DECK. Deck hand.
Me: A dick man? What part of the yacht is a dick?
Richard: No. Deck. DECK.
Me: Oh! Deck. Deck hand. Ooooh. Where are you from?
Richard: New Zealand.
Me: They have good border collies there. All our border collies are from New Zealand. They're named Spike.
So sitting at The Dove with Liz, there were all these cute boys around who weren’t hitting on us, and I declared it to be horseshit. We went outside to talk about what next and were approached by a cute New Zealander named Richard. It turns out Richard is one of 16 people who maintain a billionaire’s private yacht, The Lone Ranger, which is docked outside the Seaport. The night before,...
Individual responsibility and mutual responsibility, that’s the essence of...– Barack Obama. I loved his acceptance speech. It was so Hawai’i private school* - every citizen taking responsibility for making America a better place for everyone else. I’m so excited for 2009, when Barack is going to whip America into shape using the honor system and make everyone do...
Is that a tranny in your pants or are you just horny to see me?– I crack myself up.
von Hottie inspiration board
For the von Hottie Coney Island shoot. Click on the image to see it bigger.
She was putty in his hands. Naive putty, but putty all the same.– This is my all-time favorite romance novel quote, although now I can’t remember which novel it was in. Wife, do you remember which one we were reading?
… her thoughts were dwelling more on the erection he’d just...– From Be Still My Vampire Heart by Kerrelyn Sparks. This is why romance novels are so inexplicably awesome. You can right crazy stuff like this, and people will buy it.
My friend at Harper Collins just sent me about 20 romance novels. I am most especially excited for the one at the top of the pile, Be Still My Vampire Heart by Kerrelyn Sparks. What’s not to like about that title?! And even better? The tagline: “There’s a lot at stake in this romance . . .” Any romance novel with vampires and cover puns is ok by me. Wife, Get ready!...
The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl...– Forwarded email from my big sister, who is also die-hard single.
being the bigger person
Once upon a time, there was a boy I liked who lived across the country. He came to visit me, and I thought it was going to be the start of a great love affair. But then he showed up with a girlfriend. Various dramas ensued, and basically I didn’t hear from him after that trip. Occasionally I email him. I’ve got other boys to concern myself with now and I think often of this friend with...
Got an email this morning that says, “Thank you for your interest in appearing in our season premiere. Our tape dates have changed, I will contact you in the future.” Wtf? I thought I was booked!
moar funny pictures Introducing Adrienne Dawes, the new Director of Hot Video Media for von Hottie, Inc. She’s a genius. Expect some good stuff soon.
Countdown to Tyra!
Get the The Tyra Banks Show - Countdown to Season 4 - widget and many other great free widgets at Widgetbox! I’m confused because this widgets says “13 days” until Tyra’s season premiere, but Tyra’s website says “15 days.”
after which, I move my chair away and pretend I...
B. and R. show me a picture of the two of them at Jewish summer camp in Texas when they were 15.
Me: B., why are you wearing a medal?
R.: Because we ran races and did nice things with retarded kids.
B.: They weren't retarded! They were low income.
Boy: (via text) Our song is playing at the bar (where I'm supposed to meet him in 5).
Me: Ummm, what's our song?
von Hottie + kART across America in Times Square →
The boys finally got around to blogging about the day they interviewed von Hottie. I had so much fun with those wild shirtless men, but I sure wish they’d picked a better picture for their blog. Hmph.
Yeah, that’s right. You read the Twitter and the Facebook. I got a voicemail from the Tyra Banks show, and I’m going to be on next week (or filming next week, not sure when it airs). Basically I stand on a pedestal with other women “of all shapes and sizes” in Central Park, wearing a bikini, and the boyfriends of women with low body-confidence point at me and go,...
Late again to meet my wife in Brooklyn at noon
Wife: (via text, at noon) Uh oh look at what time it is.
Me: (Walking 3 blocks from her apartment) I'm still in Manhattan.
Wife: U jerk.
Haaaa! Haaaa! That's how I got through Sarah...
Liz: I'm going to write this 2 pg character review. Basically I'm going to take hot air out of my vagina and put it on paper.
Me: (breathing into the phone) Haaaaaaaa! Haaaaaaaaaa!
"Jump in, Jump out song." By Liz's friend, Amanda.
Best warm up song ever goes like this:
Leader: My name is Laura!
Leader: I like champagne!
Leader: I'm gonna drink champagne!
Leader: For the rest of my life!
Chorus: For the rest of her life!
All: Jump in! Jump Out! Turn yourself around! Jump in! Jump Out! And introduce yourself!
Now you sing it and put in your name and what you like. It's exhausting being this fabulous!
Google is my bitch
I am super jealous of my wife’s page views, so I’m just going to mention a bunch of words to hopefully get me in more Google searches. I mean, I guess I could extend the content of this site to attract audiences that aren’t interested in just, well, me. But whatever, I’m rad. And devious. So: Ellen Degeneres Portia de Rossi Heath Ledger Barack Obama Baby Mama John McCain...
The three Hollywood stars (Depp, Law and Farrell)... →
Dear Matilda, Welcome to the Lucky Sperm Club. Love, Laura Reblogged from peterwknox:
it's not a warning, it's a threat
If you hurt my friends, I may or may not make a website publicly defaming you, and I may or may not link to it publicly.
My un-goddaughter is just so darn cute. She must... →
Last night I met the former roommate of a musician I used to have a crush on. I’d heard a rumor that they used to be lovers as well. But when she introduced herself as his former roommate, I didn’t say, “Oh are you the one he was sleeping with?” She was very pretty. And an engineer. I would have been all up in her business too. P.S. Now that the musician has left the...
My wife is soooooooo smart and pretty. This is a fact I celebrate every day, but once in a while she’ll really hit it out of the park. Please read her post about Turbulent Sea, the Christine Feehan romance novel I was so excited to find at the Kona airport. Mayumi is completely right that it’s embarrassing to read steamy scenes on the subway, but that “You totally learn more...
Why, why, why didn’t I buy tiaras in bulk 3 years ago? It would have saved me so much time, money and trips to Ricky’s, Party City and BacheloretteSuperstore.com!!!!1
I dropped the glove and now we're gonna...
The following mini-drama occured via Twitter.
Me: . . . I'm some sort of broken, bandaged princess.
Kevin: NOT YET YOU'RE NOT.
Nicole: Kevin should know.
Me: Meh. He's all talk and revenge cartoons. Ooooo, challenge! Kevin & I will now twitter-joust.
(Kevin used to leave me notes on my work computer declaring "VENGANCE!"[sic] on me when I used to IM him under pseudonyms, pretending to be responding to his Craigslist personal ad. I have a feeling he'll want some VENGANCE tomorrow.)
"Parent time" is now also "wife time"
STOP BEING LATE!!! Seriously, I am late to everything. Wife finally called me out on it when I was late to meet her for a very important rendezvous in late May. When I had brunch with Kate & Amanda’s parents in July, we all had to remind ourselves to be on “parent time” and not “Laura time”. As I rushed to the subway to Brooklyn, I realized the last time I had...
von Hottie Global Map?
View Larger Map I’m trying to figure out all the places von Hottie (or von Hottie calendars) have been. If you think of other cities, states or countries, please add to my Google map. Thank you!