The Famous Chronicles

I really love pink and when I tried to deny that, I became a cautionary tale for us all.

Wifey expressed some concern on Facebook that, despite not wanting to push gendered products on her unborn bébé boy, she keeps registering for blue things. I was going to suggest that she go for green, or orange, or yellow things, but then I looked at my own colorful (ha!) history and I thought I should offer myself as a cautionary tale:

I really, really, fucking love pink. Not in a “this color is pale and bright and I’m a girl” kind of way, but in a “fuck yeah you can see this color from a mile away, and it is awesome, and when I purchase things that shouldn’t be pink but have been made pink just so I will consume them because girls are supposed to consume pink things, I feel like I cheated the system because, despite knowing better and having been educated a lot on gendered marketing, I still really fucking love pink and pink makes me feel awesome muahahahahaha” kind of way.

Let me tell you, loving pink is a prickly affair. It’s really hard sometimes to simultaneously love pink and have self-respect. Especially when I walk around and every store is seducing me with oodles of pink products that call to me, Come, come, buy us, we made everything pink just so you would buy us. And then I have to stand outside the store like Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth and yell (inside my head) “YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME! I like pink because I like pink, dammit, not because you told me to like pink, you crazy corporate fart faces!” It’s a struggle, guys, and many times my rampant greed/love of pink overcomes my higher intellect and best intentions. If you dissected my soul, you’d find my basest desires scribbled in hot, hot flaming flamingo fuschia. My root chakra is dripping in magenta, and a root chakra is something you cannot deny.

Anyway, at some point I decided I should show some restraint, because I was buying only pink things. Occasionally, I get the impulse to not be excessive - like I’m so whimsical that, just for a lark, I’ll decide not to be whimsical. So I started buying purple things. And gold things. And now all my things are pink, or purple, or gold, and no matter what I do, I walk around all the fucking time looking like a goddam magical unicorn, even when I don’t mean to look like a goddam magical unicorn.

The moral of this story is: if you like something, just go ahead and like it. If you deny yourself, you’ll only make it worse. Also, Wife, if you decorate le petit bébé’s room in green, yellow and orange, it’ll look like sherbert ice cream and you’ll hate it, so my advice is: go blue or go home!

p.s. Riley, I totally respect your right to not love pink.

(Image via.)